To mope or to hope?

If someone were to tell me two months ago, that come July I would have two brand new clients and a fabulous, creative new job, I would have called their bluff...I was feeling quite pessimistic, anxious, and crazed this spring. Yes, me, the Holistic health coach...the one who preaches about keeping a "Gratitude over negativity" outlook, the one that promotes all things natural, organic, happy and light. And there I was, feeling anything but. I did have reasons to feel hopeful and I was, as I job searched, networked, attended health fairs, wrote articles, and volunteered my time at Food Bank New York's community garden, all while working a 40+ hour work week in hopes of making connections, finding a job aligned with my values, and growing my health coaching business. But where there was hope, there was also a feeling of despair muffling my more promising thoughts as it whispered, "What if nothing does change?" "What if you are stuck in this job forever?" "What if you don't grow your business and that the summer will never come?"(Although irrational, there were several unusually cold spring days that had convinced me we'd entered an ice age and that summer would soon become a thing of the past.) More times than not I'd find myself diverting from my job search to look up apartments in San Diego on Craig's list and on one occasion, I even went as far to research the cost of living in Charlotte. I was feeling suffocated and stifled by Manhattan, and unsettled in life. But alas summer came, my business is growing, and I've moved into a creative and what I believe will be a fulfilling and challenging career as a copywriter. Not to be too preachy, but it reminds me of a quote from my favorite Matisyahu song..."Out of the darkness, there comes light." It's really true - without darkness, there cannot be light, and while I agonized, stressed, obsessed, lost sleep over my life's path, read the happiness project, embarrassingly enough wrote down Oprah quotes, and even stumbled into a psychic reading with my friend from work after happy hour in search of answers, (also embarrassing, but fun none the less) the universe was working all along to make things happen. Underneath the negativity and the "what ifs?", lied hope, and in this case, hope won.

(And if strong enough, I have a sneaking suspicion that it just might always.)